Friday, August 27, 2010

My days have been not like the days that i had before.

Things that i do over here are as usual. Wake up every morning with my lap top on just had to open up my eyes to see what are the new posts my friends have posted. Even though it is not really necessary for me to open my FootBook but still it has already become my desire to wake up everyday just to read the post that were being posted since i have the internet running 24/7.

My FootBook is always on never a chance i log out from my id. From the first time i was connected to the internet from my room that i am staying in now. I think i had never been awake with the outside things that are happening around me. Even though i have the internet going on 24/7. This is one attitude that i do not understand about myself. I should know that even though I am busy watching over her I still have to be awake with the situations around here.
(Why is it coming to a girls part??)

I'm dealing with my own personal problem. Actually I don't know how to handle my things.
I don't know what comes first and what comes second but for sure i know that my main priority is to be a successful man one day and be a proud worrier for my family. I have plans for my life. I would really like to be in love with the person i love the most. I have met this person that i am with now and we had planed things together. I and her have been sharing about our story lives. At the same time we tend to have problems that we most of the time solve it in a proper way. I sometimes get head aches because of this. I know friends are always there to help me around but it is her still that I refer to in the end. Is this because I am already in love or it is just a feeling of mine that is called Shock Sendiri(SS in Malay).

My feelings have over command me. I am sure it is because the things that i would like to take care of for example my friends, Girl Friend(One and only yeah), lecturers, and my family. I don't want them to get upset with me but i don't understand why am I losing them away
(not for my family). I was inspired by this one girl but it all blown away. I met a new person in life and fell in love with her just by knowing her from FootBook. For some people it is ridiculous people in the FootBook are not suppose to be trusted. For my case she was lucky that i trusted her from the first time she added me as her friend. The things that I have shared with her was the things that i kept deep inside me. My fear was the most worst thing that i shared with her. I was scared that she might not accept me but instead she was thinking the other way around. She convinced me that she is the one for me and she even did mention about marriage.

Don't laugh about this because I'm sure you would have been talking about that same thing with your one if only you had one. Future was always the topic that comes out from her mouth. I would never deny that i too agree with what she had planned for me and her. Her words approach me one by on as I am writing an essay. She give me the topic and i write it down. The way she tells me all what i should do opens my eyes as like my eyes before this was closed by eye shits. I realize the action that she is trying to do. She wants me to be a better person then being the guy that I usually am. I am happy to be with her but sometimes the things that me and her fight about are things that are not really important. Why do i have to cry in the end if she made the thing worse. I didn't understand a thing what is wrong with her. At first she gives me support and after i get in a fight with her she makes my anger go flood.

If she can make me angry i am sure she could calm me down. She never trusted her feelings towards me I am sure about that. I guess to her I am uncontrollable whenever I get angry. She never tried even once to know why I turn out to be like this. All the thing that she would say is "Everything is because of me. It is my fault I am sorry I am sorry again i made you angry" those are the words that make me even angrier. How can i calm down if those words are appointed to me again and again whenever me and her get in a fight. I don't want to her blame herself for the things that she have to me in the pass its just that i just want her to say that I Love You with all her heart and I am sure I would straight away faint and go to sleep. It is just one sentence that I want to hear from her mouth that I usually mention it to her to make her realize but no her eyes are still closed. I am happy that she is willing to change for me to be the best for me but i sense that i am blocking her from being herself. I change her to be a person that i like. This is not my way. I don't want all this. I make her suffer and as well i get suffered myself. If only she would keep that heart for me I am sure I will be able to control the emotion of jealousy.

A friend talked to me and i agree with her for telling me things that i never knew. My friend is right,we are not puppets to be controlled. We need to mingle around but still we have to remember the lines among our friends and our loved one. From this we can see the differences. Among friends and loved one. I too need to change and come out from this shell that i have been hiding myself inside it just to be faithful to her. I realize that I am suffering myself and I am sure she is feeling it too. At times i would like to give her some space but I am really worried about the things that might happen again like the thing that I went through in my pass. I am really scared of losing her. I put every single thing that i got for her. I could not bare to go for another audition explaining again about me. Its tiring and i just know it.

As things pass by i will continue to write more about the things that i would like to share. Positive thinking as always. =D

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